Hazard was born in the hills of Pennsylvania and will die in the valleys of the Kunlun Mountains. From a young age he knew his life's calling was to help other people. This calling was complicated when he learned that most people are narcs. Not one to let his Midwestern heart of gold be deterred by trivial matters, he never passes up an opportunity to lend a helping hand. Some of his crowning achievements include helping Drexel Lambert come up with the idea of CDOs, brokering the Treaty of Versailles, and giving Sam Bankman-Fried the capital he needed to get his promising quantitative trading firm off the ground back in 2017. Hazard owns over 20 identical sets of silverware and is an Eagle Scout.
Zane is an aberration of the collective unconscious that has been around since the Bronze Age collapse and rematerializes every 100 years in whatever form is best suited to tempt the souls of man. She has known life, death, success, destitution, and has slept with every pope since St Gregory I when she first realized this Christianity thing was the hot new grift to get in on. She has been the inspiration for countless legends and myths, and has been worshiped as a deity in many cultures. These days she lives in the San Fransico Public Library and has trapped hundreds of unsuspecting readers in an inter-dimensional rift between Literary Criticism (820) and Modern US History (980).
Jaik has single handedly transformed the world of gnostic computation. Though is methods are unorthodox, his unique blend of high tech and occult mysticism produces nothing if not results. Jaik was the first to notice the kabbalistic properties of the TCP state machine, the second to utilize it in a summoning ritual, and the only one to have survived the horrors that came through from the other side. As a polymath and jack-of-all-trades he's made advances in enumerable fields, from distributed systems (load-balancing via sharding databases between multiple dimensions) to homotopy type theory (using archetypes from the collective unconscious as the base types for foundational mathematics). He is currently astral projecting into the linux kernel to debug a zero-day that threatens national security.
Born an orphan in the late 1500s, Lucca learned the ways of world traveling from town to town as a minstrel and eventually joined an acting troop called Shaken, Not Speared. Under a group pen name, his troupe found smashing success bringing tragedy, drama, and low-brow humor to the people. His rise to stardom was cut short when he was cut short, all of his limbs and head being severed in a horrible accident while volunteering for the local dog and pony show. Where lesser men would have failed, Lucca merely became a lesser man, dividing his consciousness among his dismembered members. While his head, legs, left arm and torso ran off, inventing the word polycule and founding a mysterious society known only as "R.A.T.S", his loyalist faction right arm successfully survived in hibernation until 2001, finally thawing out and infiltrating a human family as a really fucked up looking baby. Much like the biblical Jacob, known for wrastlin' God himself, Lucca Spence wants to steal his brother's inheritance and hopes to funnel as much Hazardous Advice funds into endangered species stem cells research in order to replace the rest of his treacherous body parts with Harlequin Frogs, which he predicts to be much friendlier companions.