Hazardous Advice

Strange ideas for unusual times

Advice Hall of Fame

Ben S asked:

I, Ben S, whom Zane knows well, had a spiritual vision of a Balrog fighting Gandalf, or perhaps it was just my memory of watching a movie. I asked what the meaning of the vision was and decided that it meant that I was definitely going to kill myself, in the most wholesome, no internal conflict way about it, when? where? I didn't know. But again I consulted my personal God and it said that today I was going to the DMV and there my life was going to end. I went to the DMV and after some governmental bullshit, I got my temporary CA driver's license. Getting the license was success, but dying by my own hand? I was assuming this intention was probably metaphorical in some fashion, but it's unclear if, as my thinking was on the way, that it was 'the climactic peak of my entire life'. The above is all as true and legit as anything that I, Ben S normally say. However, I would Hazardous Advice on what really happened, and if this my next life, where do I go?

Hazard Spence answered:

It was the end of "your life" which is an anagram for "Fuel Riyo". The banality of the DMV severed the sympathetic connection that was siphoning off your life force to power inane sub-plots in the extended star wars canon. You are the author now. Focus on Atlas Shrugged erotica

@cashewroasted asked:

I want to feel and be more assertive and articulate in high-stakes social situations. what would you sugest that I should do to that end?

Hazard Spence answered:

become a more high-stakes person. when you feel diminutive, have a friend DDoS an essential piece of financial infrastructure. when you're flying high, airdrop pirated copies of rare Babylonian texts. the vicissitudes of the social realm will fade as your power level increases

@Centeroak41 asked:

My mom is convinced someone is sneaking into her house at like 8am every morning to... do what she's not sure. She used to think a bear would break into our basement to steal her antiques. Otherwise she seems totally reasonable and lucid. What do?

Hazard Spence answered:

hire someone to sneak into her house 8am every morning so she's right

@strangestloop asked:

I want to work on a creative project that is fun, me-shaped and benefits others but everything I find to do feels like a chore

Hazard answered:

passion is stored in your sacral chakra which is stored in a PO box by the Greyhound bus stop in LA. The exact number was lost when Rome was sacked, but word is that a numerologist who works at the nearby In-n-Out may still remember. You find the box, you find your answer

@gptbrooke asked:

My kitty is getting antsy in small sf room but he's too scared of the house dog to actually go explore much

Hazard answered:

tomorrow buy cat food that's shaped like small dogs. Buy progressively larger dog-shaped cat food, eventually progress to giving it full size dog plushies stuffed with meow mix. Eventually your cat will gain misplaced confidence that it can consume the house dog if needed

@cryomeariver asked:

How do I get a generator or raise $3000 to buy a generator for a specific family in Ukraine who is functioning on 2-4 hours of electricity including water a day?

Hazard answered:

create a Counter Doomsday-Prepper protest group ("You think we're doomed? Fuck off to the moon!"), stage a protest where participants get together and burn generators in the town square. Tip off the cops before hand. In the resulting chaos, snag a generator and dip