You've tried everything
Ayahuasca trips in the heart of the Amazon. High Intensity Interval Training during your subway commute. Keto diet. Listening to your parents. Forgiving yourself. Hating yourself. Being horny on main. Setting aside quiet contemplative time to open yourself up to God's plan. Having a villian era. Having a war criminal era. Going off your meds. Taking your friend's meds. Finally reading Hegel. Restorative Justice. Fuck You Justice. Post-hauntology cultural appropriation to generate alternative violence in Noosphereic Life Worlds. Being a Normie. Neo-pagan Circling. Polyphasic DMT micro-dosing at your polycule's weekly bookclub. Hexing Allah. Learning to code.
You've tried everything, And You're Still Fucked
In these strange times, times which experts agree have no precedent, you need an edge. Trying to makes things work is broke. Jump right to bespoke and start making things weird. If your life doesn't make sense, your advice shouldn't make sense either.
That's where we come in
It's simple. You give us money and a problem, and we give you advice. Our motley crew is composed of rapscallions, ne'er-do-wells, freaks, babies, telephone poles, mystics, and luminaries. Not only do we posses a varied set of eclectic expertise (Zane can do an ollie, I can do tax fraud), we also bring a unique inter-generational perspective. Millennial enough to have no real way of making money, boomer enough to still be trying, and gen Z enough to huff car exhaust fumes if there's a tiktok trend about it. We offer what no-one else will: completely unhinged advice that is guaranteed to fail. Our advice is normally sexy, often unusable, and always surprising.
Hear from our customers
It was after consulting the Hazardous Advice team that I decided to buy twitter, so their work speaks for itself.
Ask and you shall receive
@cryomeariver asked:
How do I get a generator or raise $3000 to buy a generator for a specific family in Ukraine who is functioning on 2-4 hours of electricity including water a day?
Hazard answered:
create a Counter Doomsday-Prepper protest group ("You think we're doomed? Fuck off to the moon!"), stage a protest where participants get together and burn generators in the town square. Tip off the cops before hand. In the resulting chaos, snag a generator and dip
@gptbrooke asked:
My kitty is getting antsy in small sf room but he's too scared of the house dog to actually go explore much
Hazard answered:
tomorrow buy cat food that's shaped like small dogs. Buy progressively larger dog-shaped cat food, eventually progress to giving it full size dog plushies stuffed with meow mix. Eventually your cat will gain misplaced confidence that it can consume the house dog if needed